Suvivor
by Chikki
Summary: About 2 years after Graduation. Buffy has moved away and is dejected from all of the Scoobies. So IWRY never happened (sigh) but Riley never came onto the scene either (yay) (essentially B/A) (eventually 7 chapters all up)
1. Prologue

…SURVIVOR…

…SURVIVOR…

Prologue

The distilled night air filled the apartment. It cast a cool and almost bitter feeling around the place.

A single lamp lit in the bedroom provided a glow over the bed.

Lying there under the covers, a body moved slightly within its confines.

A murmur sounded throughout the quaint room as the moon shone brightly in the night sky…

"How could you do this to me … how could he do it to ME?"

Tossing and turning the woman in the bed broke into frantic sweat.

"Why … why … WHYYYYY?"

The lady awoke in her bed, panting and sobbing slightly.

Looking around she could see that it was still the middle of the night.

Pulling the covers up to her neck, she laid back down and tried to close her eyes. 

But she was now consumed with thoughts of him. 

AGAIN

After a while she finally managed to breathe steadily. She bit her lower lip and came to rest her head on the pillow.

Slowly her tired body succumbed to sleep.

As dreams began to fill her mind a single word escaped her quivering lips…

"Angel"

The distilled night air again filled the apartment, casting the same cold solitude that it did each and every night.

~*~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity!


	2. Chapter 1

…SURVIVOR…

…SURVIVOR…

1

Author: Chikki

~*~*~*~

Staring over her balcony, her eyes came to rest on a young couple holding hands and walking along the beach.

A sour feeling ran through her body as she watched them kissing and smiling without a care in the world.

"Just wait until he leaves you. Then we will see how much you'll be smiling!" she said with distaste in her voice.

Walking back inside she switched on the television.

Flicking through the channels she came across the daily soap 'Days of Our Lives'.

"Wake up Carrie … can't you see that he doesn't love you. As much as he says that he does … he must be lying because why would he leave me … I mean you … he mustn't love you enough or not at all if he can just walk away from me … I mean you … Ughhh for God's sake just leave her already Austin and let her life wilt away without love and comfort … Angel … I mean Austin … just walk out of her life and never turn back to see me crying for you…"

~

For two years now she had lived a life of solitude. 

Almost a life of a hermit.

A life without him.

He had left her … left her standing there staring at him as he just walked away.

He walked away.

She had stayed in Sunnydale for all of two days after her graduation and then she fled. She had to get away from there. 

Away from the memories that haunted her.

Away from him … even though he had gone away from her.

She wrote a note for everyone. Her Mum, Willow, Xander, Giles and him. 

But he never got her note because she still had it. 

She did not have an address to send it to him. 

She didn't want to send it to him because that would mean that he really did leave her.

He left her.

~

She opened the fridge to reveal only fruit juice and pickles.

She hated pickles but had the need to have them in her fridge anyway.

Maybe HE liked pickles and he would one day turn up and she would have them there to give to him. 

But he hadn't turned up in two years … and the pickles were all mouldy now. 

No … they have to stay there … just in case!

She picked up her purse, keys and sunglasses and headed for the front door.

Walking along the bright streets … she put her sunglasses on because that brought her some comfort. 

It was darker. He was apart of the darkness. 

Maybe if she brought the sunglasses with the darkest tint in the world then he would be able to walk with her along the street … because it would be dark enough for him not to be burnt.

But he burnt her … so why can't he get a little burnt?

Because if he did burn … he would be dead!

But wasn't she dead when he left her. 

She died inside. 

Not just a little bit. 

But everything inside of her was burnt. 

Dead.

She brought a bagel from the bakery and walked aimlessly around the streets.

She was a shell of her former self.

Blocking out all of her emotions … that was the only thing that she could think of to do so that she wouldn't be hurt again.

But who was she kidding. Being hurt again. 

No one would ever get that close to her again to hurt her. He was and always would be the only man that has her heart. And her knew that. And he still hurt her.

Broke it into a million pieces. 

It was broken so much that she couldn't find all of the pieces to put it back together. 

But she didn't want to put it back together … because he could just break it again.

So her heart was cold now. 

Her faith in love was long gone.

Back at her apartment she ate a few bites of her bagel and then tossed it in the bin.

Again she went out onto the balcony and stared at the outside world.

There lives were so sheltered. They don't know what goes bump in the night.

They don't know that demons roam the world in the darkness.

They don't know how much they could get hurt.

Hurt by the monster's and demons and … and … and … him.

They don't know that he could kill you from the inside out.

That he could love you so much and then leave you to die alone.

That he could burn you.

That he had burnt her.

*

My love

My life

My soul

My heart

You go

I hurt

You leave

I stay

It pains

It breaks

It kills

It aches

You're gone

I'm here

You've left

I'm burnt

It's broken

It's dead

It's cold

It's numb

You're back

I'm dreaming

You're away

I'm alone

*

~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity!


	3. Chapter 2

…SURVIVOR…

…SURVIVOR…

2

Author: Chikki

^ Denotes thoughts ^

~*~*~*~

The ringing of the phone interrupted her thoughts.

^ I'll just let it ring … no one knows me here, so it is probably just some pesky telemarketing person. ^

But the ringing never stopped … it persisted until it was getting on her nerves.

"Fine … I'll answer the damn thing!"

She walked over so slowly just in case it decided to cut out before she got there … but to her disgust … it was still ringing when she reached for the handle…

"Yes?"

"Miss Summers?" said the male voice on the other end of the phone

"Umm … I am sorry you must have the wrong number … I am not…"

"Buffy is that you?" 

"Excuse me … who are you?" she said with much trepidation in her voice.

"You are Buffy Summer's aren't you?"

"Who's asking?"

"I am Mitchell White from the Watcher's Council and I…"

"Then I'm not Buffy Summers…"

"Please Buffy … hear me out"

"Why should I … explain to me Mitchell why the hell I should listen to anything YOU have to tell me?" She said with anger rising in her voice

"It is regarding Rupert Giles."

She paused for a second … her mind lingering on why the Council would track her down and she came to one conclusion … he must be in trouble.

"Go on" 

"The Council has been searching for you for two years now … and you have been like a needle in a million hay stacks…"

"Get to the point" she said harshly

"Yes … the point is that Mr Giles is quite ill and he has been sick for the past 18 months. He is on his death bed and his dying wish has been to find you and make sure that you are alright."

"Typical Giles … always worried about everyone except himself"

"Miss Summers…"

"Its Miss Jarvis now … Kimberly Jarvis … but you can call me Kimberly"

"Ohh I see … Kimberly … Rupert is dying … he hasn't got a lot of time left … he wanted to see you one last time and I am here to plead that you return to Sunnydale to see him … please?"

She stood there in shock … still trying to overcome the fact that Giles is dying … but going back to Sunnydale … could she do it … could she face all the memories that the small town held for her? 

"Of course I will … on the next flight out of here" although her voice was not as sure as she had wanted it to sound

"Thank Miss Summers … I mean Kimberly … I will inform Mr Giles that you will be coming … maybe that will give him a reason to keep on fighting … so that he could see his Slayer again"

"Ok … I have to go now" with that said, she hung up.

The words he had said played on her mind…

^ His Slayer … but am I his Slayer anymore … I'm not even Buffy anymore … so how can I be his Slayer… ^

She decided that these thoughts were only deterring her so she pushed them from her mind … 

Grabbing her large suitcase she began to pack her belongings … just enough for a trip … because there was no way that she would be staying there permanently … she couldn't … she just couldn't.

She rang the airline and booked the earliest ticket … that was the following morning … she had a whole night where she could ponder her return to SunnyHell … 

After exhausting herself from all the doubts and fearful thoughts running through her head she decided to have dinner and then get an early night.

Pulling the frozen Lasagne from the fridge she placed it in the microwave and watched as it turned around and around and around…

A tear escaped and ran down her flushed face…

It fell to the cold kitchen floor followed by her aching body

She was going back to that place.

She was really going back… 

But could she survive the Hellmouth again … survive the memories that have haunted her for the past 2 years … 

But she had to…

She just had to!

*

How can I keep going?

How could you just go?

How can I survive?

How could you leave?

Why am I cold?

Why aren't you here?

Why am I alone?

Why must I fear?

Shouldn't you be here?

Shouldn't we be together?

Shouldn't I be happy?

Shouldn't you still love me?

Was it hard to love me?

Was it too much to ask?

Was our love not eternal?

Was it ever what I thought?

*

~*~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity!


	4. Chapter 3

…SURVIVOR…

…SURVIVOR…

3

The plane ride over was long and boring and she dozed off a few times during the flight but her dreams were always filled with him.

She hated that he had left her and she was the one that was haunted by his image during her slumber.

The plane touched down in LA and she slowly made her way to the baggage terminal.

Collecting her small amount of belongings, she headed towards the car rental sections.

"How may I help you Mam?" said the lady behind the counter

"I would like to hire a car"

"For how long?" 

Such a simple question but she did not know the answer. Looking down at her luggage she finally spoke…

"A week"

"Manual or automatic?"

"Automatic please"

"Ok … I have a Barina automatic that you can have for a week … what name am I booking it under, Mam?"

"Uhhh … Kimberly Jarvis" she said with an ease that betrayed her as having that name her whole life.

"Miss Jarvis if you would sign here and here. The car is in the parking lot. Here are your keys. It has a full tank and you can travel as many miles as you want … however you must have the car back here by 7pm next Sunday with a full tank of gas in it."

"Sure … Sunday 7pm with a full tank. Got it!"

She took the keys and headed out to the car that would be delivering her to her past.

But she had to drive it there first … and that was what scared her the most.

~*~

She arrived there in little over 3 hours. It had taken her longer than what it would have normally taken. She had stopped for dinner, about 5 toilet rests and of course she had to stop and get lollies for the trip.

But who was she kidding … no one. She was just dawdling. Wasting time. 

Now she was driving past the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign. 

It was a new sign but the smiling sun still seemed out of place.

Making her way around the small town, her eyes marvelled at how many people were out at night.

This was SunnyHell … people … or people that didn't want to die … would never roam around after dark. Although the town would never admit it … it was unspoken knowledge that when the sun went down it was not safe outside.

But families were out enjoying the fairly warm night. They were playing in the playgrounds … couples were walking hand in hand along the streets.

People were even visiting loved one's in the cemetery.

The cemetery. 

She pushed her foot against the accelerator to get away from one of the many cemeteries that was situated in this town.

In no time at all she had found herself at Giles' old apartment. 

In all her haste to get off of the phone to Mitchell she had neglected to ask if he still lived here … or maybe he would be in the hospital … 

No …knowing Giles' he would be more comfortable being at home. At least that is what she hoped … because she hated hospitals.

Walking towards his door she paused in the courtyard.

It was the same. Yet it was different. Giles was not out here reading his books. Not the mystical ones … just a good old novel that he would often read.

She smiled to herself before heading to the door.

Raising a tentative hand to knock … she noticed that it was shaking.

Taking a deep breath she calmed her nerves and then knocked quietly. Inwardly hoping that she would not be heard… 

She could hear footsteps coming from inside … they were getting louder meaning that she had indeed been heard and that someone was coming to open the door.

Her bottom lip began to quiver in anticipation and nerves. She bit on it to try and make it stop … but it was in vain.

Her thoughts blurred as she focussed on the knob that was slowly being turned.

As the door opened, her eyes wondered upwards to the person that was now standing before her.

She had not seen that face in two years … and God she had missed it.

The eyes staring back at her were filled with disbelief and awe.

Tears began to well in both of their eyes as their chests began to heave. 

The person stretched out their arms and pulled her towards them.

She could only mutter one word … 

"Mom?"

It was the first time she had spoken to her mother since she had left.

"Ohhh … Buffy!" She embraced her daughter even tighter.

Tears were now flowing freely as her mother cupped her face and wiped them away frantically … her mother touched her hair … her chin … her lips … her shoulders … her hands.

A mother's touch can say so much and take away so much pain … even after all of these years apart!

"Mom … ohh God … Mom"

They hugged once more and didn't want to let go but a voice seeking their attention brought them out of their embrace.

"Buffy … Buffy is that really you?"

"Willow?"

She could hardly see from the tears clouding her vision but she could never forget her best friends voice.

The red head ran towards her.

She nearly knocked her over as she slung two thin arms around her neck.

"Wil!"

"Buffy … you're here … you're really here!"

"Yeah I am Wil … I'm here"

A buzzer sounded throughout the apartment and this startled the new arrival.

"What was that?" she asked

"That was Giles'. He is bound to his bed and so when he wants something he just uses the buzzer and we come-a-runnin'!" joked the little witch

"So you're at his beck 'n' call … he's gotta love that!" she jokingly said but the others only smiled half-heartedly.

"I better go and see what he wants" Willow said as she left the room.

"Look at you two playing nurse" 

"Yeah … who would have thought that two years ago my only daughter would run away leaving just a flimsy note and I end up looking after her dying Watcher"

"Mum … please … not yet … I can't get into it right now"

"Well I think two years is a long enough amount of time for you to come up with an explanation…"

"Buffy" came Willow's voice from the top if the stairs

"Yeah…" she said thankful for the interruption

"He wants to see you…"

"Ok" was all she could say as she made her way up the stairs.

In a whispered voice Willow said…

"I have to warn you Buffy … he is very sick … he … he … he kinda doesn't look like he used to. It will come as a shock when you first see him and…"

"Its ok Wil…" she said as touched her friend on the shoulder and then entered the room alone.

There was a single lamp that emitted an eerie glow around the room.

She moved ever so slowly towards the bed and that was when she finally saw him.

Laying on his back … his quivering form was so tiny in comparison to the Giles she had in her memories.

His eyes were shut and he looked like he was just sleeping peacefully … except for the sharp intake of breath that he took every couple of seconds.

She eyed one of the chairs on the side of the bed and it creaked as she came to rest on it.

His eyes fluttered open.

"Bu … Buffy"

His voice was so small. 

Inferior.

Where was the Giles that would glare at her sternly when she wanted to date and he wanted her to train?

Where was the Giles that would take charge of the research parties and always ended up finding the answers?

"I'm here … Giles … I'm here" 

She took hold of the hand that was closest to her.

She couldn't believe how small it looked. His fingers were more slender than hers.

She surveyed his form under the blankets. Although the covers added layers … she could see that his body had wilted away.

Turning his head towards her, his gaze rested on her petite features.

"Ohhh … m…my Buffy … I…I am s…so glad y…you could c…come"

It was clearly visible that it hurt him to talk.

"Shhh … Giles. You don't have to talk."

"B…Buffy I tri…tried to find y…you…"

"I know … I'm so sorry Giles … I didn't know that you were sick … if I had known then I would have…"

"Shhh … th…that's not im…im…important now"

"I couldn't stay Giles. After everything that happened … I couldn't stay. I thought a million times about coming back … but it was too painful."

"I un…understand"

"Ohhh God Giles … I've missed you … I love you"

"I l…love you t…too Buffy. Y…you are my d…d…daughter in my h…heart"

Buffy flung her body onto his but not in a rash manner … because she was sure that she would break him if she weren't careful. She gently hugged him and kissed his forehead.

Tears were pouring out of her eyes and making her breast heave with uncontrollable sobs. 

Giles raised his hand and traced her face … it looked like it took all the strength in the world for him to do this.

Buffy nuzzled into his palm as he said…

"You h…have done me p…proud Buffy"

"Giles … you have made me proud too"

"I love y…you Buffy. L…live your l…life to the ful…fullest. No re…regrets. I h…have none"

"I regret not being here for you"

"Don't. J…just be th…there for them n…now please."

"I promise Dad"

She sobbed against his chest … she couldn't stand to see him in this much pain. She couldn't do anything to help him. Not even all the Slayer strength in the world would help her to save him.

She lifted her head slightly off of his chest and that was when she realised…

It wasn't moving anymore.

It was dormant. 

Nothing. 

Her eyes searched for his … for life in them.

Nothing.

They just stared at her with wide nothing-ness.

His hand was limp by her side.

Nothing.

Her chest hurt.

Her eyes hurt.

Her heart hurt.

He was gone.

Her Watcher was gone.

Her friend was gone.

Her Dad was gone.

* 

You left me here

You walked away

You didn't look back

You kept going

I couldn't run

I couldn't feel

I couldn't move

I couldn't stay

So I packed my things

So I wrote them notes

So I didn't say goodbye

So I left them all here

*

~*~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity!


	5. Chapter 4

…SURVIVOR…

…SURVIVOR…

4

^ Denotes thoughts ^

~*~*~*~

This wasn't really happening … it was all a bad dream.

No … not a dream … a nightmare.

A cruel and vicious nightmare.

Any minute now she would wake up and she was still in her apartment and living a life of solitude and anonymity. 

But it had been four days since she had arrived in Sunnydale and she had a gut feeling that this was not a nightmare. That is was all true.

That Giles' had indeed died while she was talking to him.

That she had come down the stairs solemnly and said the words… "He's really gone" to her mother and Willow.

That she had seen the doctor come into the house and pronounce him dead.

Which confirmed her suspicions that she had just had her last conversation with her one and only Watcher.

It was only a nightmare that she had to sit and watch as her friends consoled each other … knowing that they had indeed gotten to know the man that called her his daughter better then she knew him over the past two years.

~

She was in the bathroom.

Looking at a reflection that she didn't like.

Her eye's stung.

Yet the she was numb so how was she feeling them burn from the inside of her eyelids?

Her nose was red. 

It had little red corners from all the times that she had to blow it.

Her cheeks were tear-stained.

They had trails on them from all of the salty tears that had cascaded down her cheeks and onto the floor.

But it was not her physical appearance that she didn't like.

It was what she had become that repulsed her.

Sure she wasn't a slayer anymore … but then again … that role never JUST defined her. Outside of that she was still Buffy.

But now she wasn't. She was Kimberly Jarvis. A no-one … a nothing. 

Someone that doesn't know her mother or friends anymore. 

Someone that only came to her 'fathers' dying bed on his last day.

And she had no rite to steal his last minutes on Earth. He had friends that were there for him during his illness that deserved to be with him until the end.

But he had wanted her there. He had searched for her. 

For the Buffy that he had known.

But looking in the mirror she couldn't see the Buffy that he knew. 

He was gone and so was she.

~

The weather was cast as a sunny day with little chance of rain.

Everything had already been arranged months ago. Actually Giles had organised his own funeral, which came as no surprise to her.

A small gathering of people adorned his gravesite.

For a split second she wondered if a hand would suddenly emerge that night from his grave.

But he had died in her arms. Not at the hands of a vampire.

The service was about to begin when Xander said…

"Wait … we're not all here yet. Can we hold off for a few more minutes?"

"Sure" the minister said

Confusidly she looked around. She was certain that everyone that cared for Giles' was already here…

Xander

Willow

Anya

Oz

Joyce

Olivia

A few representatives from the Watcher's Council

And her.

Her attention was turned to a car that had pulled up in the near by parking lot.

She could see a few figures come into view.

Five bodies walked towards them. 

One woman and four men.

As the people neared the group she could distinguish exactly who they were.

Cordelia

Wesley

A black guy that she didn't know

Spike

And him. The person who haunted her dreams… 

Angel.

Her thoughts came back to Spike … huh? Spike what was he doing with them.

Only then did it register that it was still daylight and the sun was shining brightly in the soft blue sky.

He was in the sunshine. 

His skin was gladly soaking up the golden rays.

They arrived at the group and silently apologised for being late.

The minister began and she continued to stare at HIM.

~

Tears flowed freely as everyone said their goodbyes. 

Goodbye to a close friend.

Goodbye to a mentor.

Goodbye to a lover.

Goodbye to a father.

Although Willow had already given the eulogy … SHE wanted to say something…

"Ahhh … before we all go … can I say a little something?"

"Of course" the minister said

"Are you sure Buffy?" said her mother with all the concern that only a mother could emit.

"Yeah … I'm sure"

Everyone around her stood and stared at the person before them…

"Ummm … ok … I know I have not been here for a while and I have not been here to help Giles through his illness…"

She took an intake of air…

"But he was my Watcher. He was the person that would make me train after school with him and then regret it later because of all of the bruises he had received. However he would turn around the next day and insist that he again trains with me … He was always thinking of me. Of my safety and how he didn't want me to get hurt"

She lowered her eyes…

"I once told him that he wasn't useful with all his books and just watching as I risked my life night after night. However he was essential. He was my guide. He was my rock and he did risk his life for me on a number of occasions…"

Looking up … she let the tears just fall from her face…

"But I wasn't here for him. I couldn't save him … but he doesn't blame me for not saving his life this time. But I blame myself for not being here to just hold his hand … read a book to him … reminisce about old adventures … hug him more than just one last time…"

Through her sobs she managed to finally say…

"He was my father in every sense of the word. I was his daughter … and I could not be any prouder to have him as my father because he is the wisest … most caring … most giving and selfless man that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. And I will miss him. I love and miss you Dad."

With that said she placed her single white rose onto the casket and kissed the coffin tenderly…

She couldn't stay there any longer … she had to get away… 

Away from the hole in the ground that he was getting lowered into… 

Away from the last resting place of her father… 

Away from THEIR stares… 

Away from everything there… 

Away from him.

So she ran and she ran … as fast as she could.

Not wanting to face their questions … 

Not wanting to face him … the person who could now walk in the sun.

She had to find a place of comfort…

There was only one place where she could go…

*

I say goodbye

But you're not there

I cry for you

But you're not here

Where are you now?

Where can I go?

Where have you gone?

Where can I fall?

You're not here now

You've gone away

You're not with me

You've left me here

*

~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity!


	6. Chapter 5

…SURVIVOR…

…SURVIVOR…

5

^ Denotes thoughts ^

~*~*~*~

Her sobs filled the empty room.

Outside the sun was brightly shining, yet she was inside a cold and dusty room.

^ How could I have let it get this far? How could I not be here for Giles when he needed me? ^

Opening the heavy curtains she revealed the hot summer sun.

It pelted down in rays of glistening heat and it drew her towards it.

As she left the confines of the mansion she made her way over to the top of the hill.

This was the highest point that she could find.

It made her closer to the sun. 

Closer to heaven. 

Closer her late Watcher…

^ What does *late* mean? Its not like Giles' is LATE to a dinner party or that he is LATE to take a tablet. 

Maybe he is LATE to go to heaven … but shouldn't it be early because he should have lived to be the ripe old age of 80 or something? 

Late … what a weird word to associate with dead people…

Giles is dead. ^

She was taken out of her thoughts by a butterfly landing on her nose…

Crossing her eyes she stared at this tiny creature…

Its wings were pigmented with a rainbow of colours … all blended to make this little creature look vibrant and new.

The small animal fluttered its wings and then took off for another journey.

She looked past where the butterfly had been sitting on her nose and she saw the streets of Sunnydale.

Her mind automatically went to another day when she was standing atop of this hill…

It was predicted to be a warm sunny day and the sun was about to rise.

She was up here arguing with him.

He didn't want to be in her world anymore. He didn't feel that he belonged.

But he did.

She needed him and he tried to leave her. 

She stopped him this time with the miracle of snow…

But that was the only time she had been able to prevent him from leaving her.

He had tried again later in her life and he succeeded … he left her.

So she left him … and all of them.

~

It had been a couple of hours since the funeral and she had spent the remainder of her time sitting out on the peak of the hill.

The sun had shone brightly throughout the day and it was beginning to make its descent.

The multitude of colours lit up the cloudless sky, forming a breathtaking sunset.

That was when it happened.

She fought so hard to resist it … but her efforts were in vain.

It used to bring her comfort … but now she dreaded it … dreaded what it meant.

Her body tingled.

Like the butterfly from earlier in the day had entered her body and fluttered around in her stomach.

^ Ohhh … God … not now … I'm not ready … please… ^

She closed her eyes as tight as she could … hoping that they would shut out the world.

Shut out him.

But it didn't…

"Angel … don't … not now … I can't" Before now she had refused to say his name. Only in her dreams did the word Angel escape her lips.

But in an instant that was forgotten and she said his name with as much ease as she had two years earlier

~

He was a good three metres behind her but he knew she had felt him.

Because he had felt her.

His body had led him to the mansion.

Every part of his being told him that she had been in his room … but he knew that she was not there now … but that she was near.

Letting his senses take over he walked straight to the hilltop on the outskirts of the mansion.

She was sitting there with her knees hugged to her chest.

He was about to speak when she said…

"Angel … don't … not now … I can't"

She sounded like his name rolled off of her tongue … but he knew that it pained her to speak it.

"Neither can I … but we have to" he said with ease that belied his nerves.

"I can't … I can't face them and I certainly can't face you"

He moved closer towards her coward form.

"Buffy…"

But she cut him off…

"I'm not Buffy … not anymore"

"What do you mean you're not Buffy … you'll always be my Buffy … I mean you'll always be Buffy"

"I'm not your's or anyone else's Buffy … not anymore"

"Buffy your not making sense"

"Sense … you think I can even formulate a thought right now … I just found out that Giles was sick and I come back after two years and end up spending his last minutes with him and watch him die in front of me and then I have to face all the looks of disappointment and confusion from everyone else … not to mention that I then had to stand there as Giles' body was lowered into the earth only to be eaten by bugs and God knows what … Tell me then Angel … am I making sense enough for you?"

Tears had formed and fallen from her eyes throughout her outburst.

Angel only stared at her with disbelief and sorrow

"Buffy…"

She got up off of her place on the ground…

"I told you … I'm not Buffy!" she yelled

"Then who are you?" he said as anger rose slightly in his voice

"I'm … I'm Kimberly Jarvis … citizen of Melbourne Australia … please to make your acquaintance" she spat out as she ran for the mansion

Angel stood there perplexed by her words and her mood swings … but he knew he couldn't let her leave … not again.

He ran after her and reached the mansion mere seconds after she had entered.

"No you don't … you're not leaving again" he said as he grabbed her arm and turned her to face him

"What? Me leave … as I seem to recall you left me! Or do you suddenly have selective memory?"

"Fine … I left you … but I came back the following week because I realised that I was wrong. That I couldn't live without you and that I couldn't let you live your life without love. I didn't want to know that I was sitting in LA while you were risking your life … because if anything ever happened to you and I knew that I wasn't there to help because *I* decided to leave … then I would never be able to forgive myself!"

She had not expected this reaction from him. 

She had thought that he didn't love her enough to make it work. That he left her because he thought their love wasn't strong enough to survive trivial setbacks.

She stared into his soulful eyes and knew that he was telling the truth.

He was staring right back into her hazel pools … her gaze softened as she realised what he had said.

His grip on her arm loosened and she moved away from him. Walking almost aimlessly around the mansion.

He followed suit and they silently came to rest in his bedroom … it was the only place with furniture left in it.

She went and sat down on the bed and he stayed leaning on the frame of the door…

"Everything is so screwed up at the moment" she said with much honesty

"I know"

"You left … I left … Giles is gone…" the last part lingering on her lips

"Buffy … ahhh Kimber…"

She cut him off

"Buffy … can you call me Buffy?"

"You have never been anything else to me"

"But I am not the same Buffy that you knew…"  
  


"And I'm not the same Angel that you knew from 2 years ago"

"That's an understatement … Mr-I-have-a-tan" her sentence was a light tone but much hurt was behind her words

"Yeah … well…"

"When? How?"

"Ummm … a little over a year now. I was granted my humanity after the 'End of Days' fight. The Hellmouth is permanently closed and the PTB … umm Powers That Be … said that I have earned my redemption."

"Wow … that's ummm … wow. Congratulations"

"Thank-you"

"That must be why I saw all those families out walking the SunnyHell streets after sunset and why there were those people in the cemeteries at night"

"Yeah … no more demons means the nightlife is less deadlier"

"Hmmm … you said it was about a year ago that the Hellmouth closed?"

"Uh huh"

"That must explain it"

"Explain what?" Angel said with confusion on his face

"Well … last year I gradually started to loose my Slayer strength and agility and other perks that came along with being the Chosen One"

"I thought that something like that might have happened"

"Why … ummm … did…?" she faltered on her words

"What? You can ask me Buffy" he said as he came and sat on the opposite side of the bed

"Did you look for me?" she said averted his enquiring gaze

"Yes" such a simple answer yet it was exactly what she wanted to hear.

"For how long?"

"Right up until five days ago. I searched for you from the minute I returned to Sunnydale 2 years ago … until I finally found you last week"

"Then … then why did the Council contact me and not you?"

He took a slow intake of breath

"Because I thought you wouldn't talk to me … and we all knew that Giles didn't have long to live and so we thought that if the Council rang then you would believe what they had to say"

"I always believed you Angel…"

"But would you have stayed on the phone long enough to listen?"

"Truthfully … no … but only because I would have been scared"

"I'm sorry" he suddenly said

"For what?Me being scared?"

"Yes … because I made you scared of me. Because I left you … I had this HUGE momentary lapse of sanity and I let the most precious and most important person slip through my fingers. I tried so hard to find you … but…"

"I didn't want to be found."

"Exactly … I had so many false sightings and dead-end leads … but I never gave up … I would have never given up"

"Then why did you give up on us?" she blurted out through fresh salty tears

By now Angel's eyes had already began to well…

"I thought that you deserved better than what I had to offer. I couldn't give you everything that you were worthy of receiving. I couldn't offer you the world Buffy … and that is what I thought and what I still think that you deserve to have!"

"But I don't want the world if it means that you are not in my arms. The world is nothing if I don't have you … so don't I deserve to be happy?"

"That is what I thought a 'normal' guy could offer you … happiness"

"But don't I deserve to be loved … to be able to love someone back with all of my heart?"

"That's why I came back … apart from the fact that it pained me beyond words that you would ever have the love of another guy or even more so that you would love another guy … I realised that you did love me with all of your being … just like I loved you…"

"Loved?" she said with a slight amount of hurt emitted in her voice

"Love … I'm still hopelessly and utterly in love with you Buffy … always"

"But you left me! You left me and I died … my heart broke into a million pieces and it has never recovered … I don't think it will ever recover" she said the last line in an almost whispered voice

"That is why I am so sorry … and I know that no amount of apologetic words can erase what happened but I don't expect that to occur. I just want to tell you that I love you with all of my soul and that I regret every second of the past two years because you have not been in my arms and that you have been scared and alone. But most of all I am sorry because for two years now you have thought that I didn't love you enough to make it work. That you have thought that our love wasn't eternal or as strong as what it really was."

Her bottom lip was quivering by now and she slowly looked at him through tear-clouded eyes…

"Is" she stated

"Huh" he asked confused

"What our love IS … not what it WAS"

"You mean…" he dared to believe what he thought he had heard

"Yes Angel … I still love you … I never stopped"

"Me either … I always have loved you"

"Do you know how relieving that is to hear!"

"I think I have a fair idea" he said as he smiled while moving along the bed to be closer to her.

"Ohhh God … Angel … I have missed you so much"

"I've missed you too Buffy"

Their arms were flung around one another in a tight and long awaited embrace.

Both of them emitted a sigh of relief as they sat there relishing the moment … finally being able to touch their soul mate after two LONG years apart.

Reluctantly pulling back slowly … Angel cupped Buffy's chin in his strong hands.

"I know we have a lot to work through and a lot to talk about … but…"

"But?" Buffy said with trepidation in her voice

"Can I do something that I have longed to do for two years?"

"What?" 

"This…" he said before his lips met hers in a gentle but passionate kiss. 

Feelings and unspoken apologies were released into this kiss as well as two years of painful solitude.

Although they both know that they have a long way to go to making their relationship work…

One thing was for certain … there definitely was a relationship to be had.

~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity!


	7. Chapter 6

…SURVIVOR…

…SURVIVOR…

6

^ Denotes thoughts ^

~*~*~*~

The moon was shinning in the blanketed sky.

For the past two hours they had sat outside on the top of the hill.

They talked and talked and talked.

They reminisced about old times and often brought in anecdotes about Giles, which always made them smile.

Cradling her in his arms, with her back against his chest, Angel asked the dreaded question…

"What have you been doing with your life for the past two years?"

"Existing"

"I know what you mean" Angel reassured her.

"I wasn't living … my body was just going through the motions of everyday life without me caring what happened. I became very bitter. Especially towards love. Bitter that I didn't have it … that other's were relishing in the feeling of happiness whilst I was brooding in self-pity."

"I'm SO sorry Buffy"

"So am I" she simply stated with truthfulness evident in her voice.

They sat there for a few minutes in silence…

"So what about you Angel … what have you been up to since I last saw you?"

"Well I already told you that I came back a week after your Graduation. I couldn't stand being without you. I didn't want to risk Angelus returning but I knew that I still had to be in the same town as you. It hurt too much being that far away and not being able to have you visit me during the day, stand in the shadows whilst you patrolled making sure that you were alright and not being able to climb the tree outside your room and watch you sleep peacefully with a smile gracing your lips."

Buffy turned around and faced him with adoring eyes…

"I always knew when you were there."

"You did?" he said a bit embarrassed 

"Yep. I knew you were stalking me as I patrolled. It was comforting knowing that you were there to protect me if I got into trouble. And I knew when you would sit outside my window. I could feel your eyes on me but more than anything I could feel your presence within myself. That beautiful tingling feeling that I get in my mind, body and soul when you are around. So it would always make me smile, knowing that you were there."

"I missed that feeling for two years. I missed being able to hold you in my arms. To walk with you through the park. To caress the back of your hand so tenderly. To just see you smile and know that I am the reason that you are so happy." Angel responded

"I missed your gorgeous eyes that would see straight into my soul. I missed doing Tai Chi with you. I missed seeing the look on your face when I would dress in something sexy just to tease you and only you. I missed your strong arms just holding me and knowing that everything would be alright as long as I am in your arms." She told him truthfully

A tear had formulated in her eye as she professed her love to him. He bent down and kissed it away as it began to cascade down her soft cheek.

His lips travelled down and met hers in a gentle kiss.

As their kiss depended, her arms snaked around his neck as his came to embrace her around her waist.

Tongues duelled and hands caressed as they both tried to memorise the never-forgotten features of their lover.

When breathing became an issue for both of them, they reluctantly broke apart.

Buffy swivelled back around to her original position and rested her head against his strong shoulder.

They remained there for most of the night, just being content with one another's presence.

~

After retiring to his old bed in the mansion the night before Buffy and Angel had awoken in one another's arms.

It was a simple pleasure that had eluded them for too long.

All of Buffy's belongings were still at Giles' house, therefore they had decided to go there so that she could shower and change.

When they walked into the house they were surprised to see all of the Scooby Gang (old and new) sitting around in the lounge room.

Xander and Anya were on a couch next to each other.

Willow was sitting on Oz's knee on one of the chairs.

Cordelia was sitting on the other chair with Gunn on the armrest.

Wesley was leaning against the bookshelf in the corner.

Joyce was in the kitchen making tea.

Olivia and the representatives from the Watcher's Council had left the night before to return to England.

Buffy and Angel walked over to the group and had already decided not to act too 'coupley'. They were not even sure of where things were headed themselves so they didn't want to have to face questions that they didn't know the answers to yet.

Walking over to the kitchen counter Angel stood there as Buffy took a seat on the chair at the table where Willows computer used to be.

An awkward silence filled the room like distaste in your mouth after eating a sour lolly.

This moment was interrupted by Spike emerging from the bathroom.

"Look who's here … Slayer and Peaches."

Angel just raised his eyebrow whilst Buffy voiced her opinion…

"William. So nice to see you." she said with sarcasm laced all over her voice.

Due to the funeral having been four days after Buffy had arrived, the Sunnydale gang had already caught up with each other and basically resolved their problems. However this did not include the Scoobies from LA and it didn't mean that everything was 'hunky-dory'.

"So what happened with you Spike? Last time I looked you didn't have a soul, therefore you couldn't have reached redemption. Yet you aren't fitting into an ashtray anytime soon."

"Well Buf, since you left I have been through a momentous spiritual awakening, which has helped me realise…"

But he was cut off by the laughter of Willow, to which Xander explained…

"A bunch of inbred Government Commando guys stuck a chip in his brain last year and it means that he can't hurt humans or even a little bunny!"

"Which is a shame because I hate rabbits" Anya added.

"But that still doesn't explain your sudden resilience to UV rays…" voiced Buffy.

Angel replied…

"Well when he figured out that the only thing he can fight are demons, then he decided that it was time that he was on our side. So he came and worked with us in LA, much to my delight, and there we found this ring called 'the Gem of Amara'. Basically it means that when he wears it, he is invincible to death. Therefore he can walk in the sunlight and not get burnt to a crisp."

"Oh ok." Was all Buffy could muster. As her thoughts lingered on Angel having gotten that ring back when she was 17 and they could have done more normal things as a couple. But then she remembered that he was human now and that there was going to be plenty of time for that stuff later.

"Ummm … sorry to interrupt. But I feel that seeing as we are all here then this would be the best time to read Giles' will … what do you think?" posed Joyce

Everyone in the room emphatically nodded as their thoughts began to wonder back to Giles' and how he isn't here anymore.

"Ok. Well the envelope is next to you Angel. If you wouldn't mind reading it because I know that I will become a blubbering fool after the second line…" Joyce offered.

"Sure" Angel leaned over and retrieved the envelope. He opened it carefully and proceeded to read its contents.

Willow was left all of his resources, magical and mystical books.

Xander and Anya were given his car, the 'two-door tramp'.

Wesley was given Giles' weapon collection.

Joyce was left with his guitar and music collection, with the instructions not to replay the recordings of his own songs to anyone!

Angel was given his collection of classic poetry, detailed prophecies and the original and only copy of the book Giles had written, titled; "The Slayer and Her Vampire". It was his memoirs about Buffy and Angel's relationship.

And to no-one's surprise but herself, Buffy was left his apartment. Giles also made an extra note that if Buffy had not returned before he died, that she would still get his house and that the Watcher's Council, Angel and the rest of the gang would use his life savings to find her. However if she were back in time, then his life savings would simply be transferred into her account.

Lastly, Buffy was also given his Watcher's Journals about his life as the Watcher of Buffy Anne Summers. 

By the end it, everyone was in tears, including Angel who had began to well up during it.

Buffy didn't say anything, she couldn't. What could she say?

So she stood and walked over to the room that she had been staying in.

A minute later she returned and placed a CD in the stereo in the corner of the lounge room.

Everyone was a little perplexed at first but then they settled down to listen to the song…

Sorry I never told you   
All I wanted to say.   
And now it's too late to hold you,   
'Cause you've flown away, so far away.

Buffy walked slowly back to Angel and let his strong arms embrace her petite body as she began to sob against his expansive chest.

Never had I imagined   
Living without your smile.   
Feeling, and knowing you hear me,   
It keeps me alive, alive.   
  


_ _

Oz hugged Willow tighter as she leaned into his embrace.

_ _

  
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven,   
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.   
And I know eventually we'll be together   
One sweet day.   
  


_ _

Anya moved closer to Xander, who immediately put his arm around her.

_ _

  
Darling, I never showed you,   
Assumed you'd always be there.   
I, I took your presence for granted,   
But I always cared and I miss the love we shared.   
  


_  
_Gunn reached out his hand and entwined his fingers with Cordelia's.

  
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven,   
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.   
And I know eventually we'll be together   
One sweet day.   
  


  
Wesley made his way over to Joyce and placed a sympathetic arm on her shoulder as she wept silently.

  
Although the sun will never shine the same,   
I'll always look to a brighter day.   
Lord, I know when I lay me down to sleep,   
You will always listen as I pray.  
  


  
Spike sat there on the floor and let a single tear run down his cheek before hastily wiping it away.

  
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven,   
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.   
And I know eventually we'll be together   
One sweet day.   
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven,   
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.   
And I know eventually we'll be together   
One sweet day.   
  
  
Sorry I never told you   
All I wanted to say.

There wasn't a dry eye in the house, and no one was trying to keep it in, save for Spike.

They cried for the gentleman who was a mentor to each of them.

They cried for a friend who was always worried about their well-being.

They cried for the person who would make everything ok.

They cried for the man who died too young.

~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity and FOREVER!


End file.
